Decades

Decades ago, I discovered that what brings me peace, is knowing you too are at peace, having time to ourselves, not being pulled apart by reality. This search is endless, for even when we think we have this space, however tenuous, other people, sometime dear to us, intervene, intrude, regardless of our right to be alone. It may take a long time to recover some harmony.

I took this feeling to the extreme in my novel, The Page, where the two heroes are separated by war and death, her death. The story is about how she attempts to find him again, despite the overwhelming power set to destroy her world, using her lover as the way in. It brought me peace to write their story, in the silence of our apartment in Berlin, temporarily away from the noises of the world. 

Harmony

Harmony has to be fought for, it’s never given, it has to be conquered, and defended. We had four short years, and then reality caught up with us, in all its ugliness. False prophets, fake illnesses, real madness, intrusion, invasion, finally war, not so far from those blessed forests and lakes. We sank into work, practical things, plumbing, garden, a new chimney, anything to take the longing away, the dark pit attempting to engulf us. For Peace is a spiritual endeavour: work, prayer, the love of each other in the eyes of God, that was the only way to find peace again.

Premonition

Did we succeed? Yes, we are here, we have not given up. I reread these pages, in amazement, about the premonition, several years ahead of the war starting in the poor country, the resurgence of the beast, the hideous flags, but also about how deep I captured the inspiration, those characters, for me so alive.

And you, who knows so well, that peace is also, always, a compromise. Unless one is confronted with evil, one has to negotiate, seek the other side’s view, try her shoes, as it were. You are determined, you too want it your way. I haven’t seen my grand son for months, he won’t recognise me. What will bring me peace then? How shall I find this so desired harmony? Such is life.

So, patiently, we will have to seek another equilibrium, a new compromise. At present I find travelling very difficult, which does not help. Nothing that medication can not resolve, after all, so many people are on drugs of some sort. But I will carefully avoid that trap, the first step to addiction, if not peace, then the dumbness of oblivion! Harmony, as all spiritual endeavours, requires courage, as pain and suffering, as Ilyin so aptly explains, are there for a purpose: eventually to bring peace, to reconcile us with the Creation, in this or the next world. I will continue reading those unfinished (?) stories, animate those dreams, listen carefully to what the Owl has to say.

Sometime, may be even in this world, we will go back, retrace our steps, swim again in that lake.

Recollection

“And so, on the threshold of a new year, I will start a new life. Soon I will have forgotten the illusions of ambition, the jealousies, the petty envy of lesser mortals. My closest friend will be the blank page, where I will share those memories and longings I care most for. Soon I will roam those streets, in the city that has adopted me, reluctant at first, but, ultimately, without regret.”